Find you some shorts that can do both

...cover your bum and allow your legs to fly

It was rainy and cold last weekend in Los Angeles, but my friends in other parts of the country tell me that it’s hitting the 70s and 80s regularly, so that means: 

It’s time for shorts. A few weeks ago

Nico Lumma

asked me for some pointers on finding the right pair, so here we go. This one’s for you, Nico. 

Shorts! Who knew something as silly as cut-off-long-pants could be manifested in so many cruel and useless ways? And yet here we are, in a world where shorts can:

Require your thighs to be the same circumference as your calves:

Cute, but my tights are bigger than those leg openings.

Reveal your bum flapping in the breeze:

Just the attention I’m seeking whilst in the middle of a gratitude mile.

Overly revealing running shorts are for dudes, too!! Ugh.

Sit so high it is not shorts; it’s a Los Angeles Apparel ad:

An actual women’s track and field option from Nike for the Paris Olympics. WHAT IS THIS??????

This search will be work, but you can do it. You are strong. 

For all these reasons, lots of people are now opting for the bike short path, which is totally cool if that’s your thing. If you’re looking for a more traditional running short, though, here’s my best advice: find some men’s shorts that sit at or at most 1 inch lower than your belly button whilst not causing muffin top, whose inseam hangs about 3-4 inches lower than your crotch, and cut out that breezey bum issue by safety pinning or sewing (if you sew) the crazy high side cuts together. 

I seriously would not even consider shorts supposedly cut for women, because almost inevitably they are simply ploys to make you feel bad about your body and/or come with price mark ups for cuteness. And we are not about price markups here at Stoic Running (please see My Running Shoes Cost How Much?! for reference.) 

The best way to find shorts that fit is to simply ignore most filters that you might usually use to find clothing. Don’t pay attention to size, cut, colors, or demographics. Use your body, not the filters, as your guide. Do you have a round bum? You probably want a fuller cut to provide coverage. Do you have a flat butt and narrow hips so the shorts ride up? Built in underwear that’s not too tight (those will cause wedgies) are your move. Do you hate the way the most hidden pocket zippers actually really can be distracting because they weight the short in some weird direction? Search and search and search until you avoid that dreaded zipper. 

Try on as many pairs as you can, and when you find a cut that works for you, buy about 5 pair. Because whatever your shape, your shorts need to do exactly what your shoes do: support your run while completely blending into the background. Your shorts should not require your attention. Shop around and modify them as you need to. Don’t pay attention to marketing or material gimmicks. Just get the basics to cover your bum and for today, remember: go run.